Stuck. It’s not the most fun place to be, that’s for sure. It’s not glamorous, it ain’t pretty, it’s unrecognizable. But it’s where I have found myself for the past month. I could blame it on a case of “The Januaries”, but we all know why my personality and heart have taken a beating and it has nothing to do with winter. There is a constant battle in my head between the yin and the yang…and no one wins
Social media is the devil’s advocate showing me everyone who’s life is full of bliss and I wish for that part of my life to come back. I know that I’ll be there again someday. But I think to myself:
I wish they could understand why happiness hurts. What am I even happy about anymore?
Then one scroll down are the other half who think that life’s inconveniences are real problems. Paragraphs of detailed bad days. I miss that naive thinking, because I now know what a bad day really looks like.
I hope they know how good they have it. They should be more grateful.
No one wins.
I can fake upbeat with a smile on my face, because it keeps me from crying and I can’t wait to be alone. I get in my car for the solo drive home and cry, wishing I could find something to laugh at that won’t remind me of my loss.
I have so many questions and I know the answers, I just can’t get there. I’m not the person I was 6 months ago and I’m not who I’ll be when I get on the other side of this. I’m stuck, the grass is greener wherever I’m not. So I’m forwarding all mail to the In-Between, I predict I’ll be renting this home for the time being.
2 thoughts on “The In-Between”
Sending many hugs. Thank you for putting into words how so many of us feel but can’t articulate. I was there, too, not so long ago and still have these days for sure! They start to spread out over time but that void isn’t filled and won’t be. We just shift a bit. One day at a time. ❤️😇
I was my moms caregiver and she passed away in my home. I was in that space for longer than I really know. But one day not so long ago, I looked around and realized I was redecorating my home for the holidays and looking back fondly on my time with her. She died in 2014 to give you my time table. There is no limit on how long grief takes or even what path. But you do YOU and when your joy returns (it will) you will find peace in the memories. Thinking of you.