Well, it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. But fear not, I’m here with more insight and life lessons! I’m sure you have all been on pins and needles waiting for my literary return and are on the edge of your seats. Too much? Ok, ok… I’ve learned that when you start one of these and dig a little deeper, sometimes it’s hard to hit send after realizing that people you know might ACTUALLY read it. Of course that’s what every “writer” (if I can even call myself that) wants, for their words to be read. But the stage I’ve been in lately has led me to realize that if I wasn’t an introvert before, I certainly am one now. Not just socially, but in every sense of the word…emotionally, physically, mentally.
When I’m at work, I can’t wait to get home to my animals and a comfy blanket. When someone wants to make plans, I secretly am already overwhelmed at the thought of having to share how my life has been. The idea of having fun is daunting. Stress creeps in because I’ve been the “downer” in every friend group for nearly a year now. I think of the guilt that comes with deciding to speak the truth, what WAS a good conversation is now struck with “woe is me” and hard to recover from. The thing is, I think today’s world is so fast-paced that everyone forgets. They forget the hurt others are living with. So many times we are greeted with looks that say “shouldn’t you be moving on by now?” or a cliché response that is the only thing they can think of at the time. Anything to get through an uncomfortable moment. So we basically have to fake it. We fake it till we make it and are alone in our cars, our homes, our beds…and then we can release the hurt we’ve been hiding.
I’m learning loss is hard on so many levels I hadn’t even thought about in past months. Not only is life now missing one instrumental person, but now I have to become a new me. Some days it seems to be a sadder re-do of the teenage years, figuring out who you are and what you like to do after this new life experience. How do I fit this version of me into my old life? Fake it. How does sad Kara go to work and excel? Fake it. How do I get out of my bubble of a comfort zone? FAKE IT. The struggle for me, of course, is I miss having fun. I love to laugh! But I just don’t feel like it right now. I have plenty of opportunities to do so, but it doesn’t feel right yet. And I know a day will come when I’m ready to, I know this will not last forever. And if it tries to, I’ll just have to chase the happy, find the purpose, and live it. I owe it to the people in my life, mostly to my dad, to be the person I was raised to be. I think any of us in this position just ask for a little patience while we do the work.
Until then, in the words of LL Cool J (who am I?)…
…don’t call it a comeback.